Every couple has a different recipe for a successful partnership. I recently asked people who have been together for over a decade to share their best relationship advice, and they didn't hold back! From focusing on communication to planning regular dates, here are the most helpful tips they shared:
1. "What's normal for y'all may not be normal for others. Every relationship is different, so don't be pressured to conform."
2. "Communication, communication, communication. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. We have four beautiful children and have traveled the world with his job. Our eldest underwent life-saving open heart surgery as a 7-week-old baby, and it was the worst thing we have both ever been through. Our relationship would have 100% fallen apart had we not communicated with each other and supported each other."
3. "27 years together. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. Every day is a choice. Do you choose to be in love with your partner or not? If you choose love, then do it through words and actions. Staying in love requires work, requires growth, and requires empathy and understanding. It's hard work, but it's so worth it."
4. "We've been together for 24 years, and it has only gotten better. Be honest, even when it's hard, have a ritual that's just yours (ours is Friday night cocktails at home), grow as individuals together, and never stop dating each other."
—Anonymous, 47, Washington, DC
5. "Sometimes arguments will get heated — that's OK. It happens. Consider establishing a code word — something that, when spoken, is an automatic signal to your partner that you feel that the argument is heading into dangerous territory. As long as you're both in agreement about this, hearing that word can help you both to take a huge step back and de-escalate so you can return to the discussion with love and respect rather than anger and spite. Married 25 years this month. ❤️"
6. "Whenever you think of anything, and I mean anything, nice about your partner, tell them! Always, because this reaffirms to both of you that the love and appreciation are still there. And listen as much as you talk."
7. "You don't have to be each other's everything. It's important to have friends, have hobbies, and have time for yourself as an individual. But don't forget to connect, too. We still try to go on dates at least twice a month (and that can be a bottle of wine, a pizza, and curling up on the couch together, it doesn't need to be fancy). Find a happy balance. There's no such thing as perfect. While we agree on everything truly important, we butt heads on some things, but we're able to sit down, discuss it, and find a way forward. I've been with my partner for nearly 25 years; they are the best human I know. However, we still encourage each other to live our lives beyond our relationship."
8. "My parents are celebrating 35 years of marriage this week. Their advice: make time to build *and* proactively maintain your relationship, even if you've been married for decades already. Keep communicating. Keep asking. Keep trying things and figuring out what does and doesn't work for you as a couple. With this in mind, they started something new years ago: planning regular dates where they very deliberately take turns in who plans the activity, and where they plan something with their partner in mind. As in, when it's dad's turn to plan the date, he'll think of something my mom really would enjoy, and vice versa. Sometimes that means doing stuff that they wouldn't prefer themselves, but that's exactly what keeps things fresh and exciting and an opportunity for growth."
9. "DON'T SETTLE!! Never settle for something that only feels kind of good or mostly OK. That's not good enough to last. Find someone who makes you feel above the clouds and insanely happy, never less than that."
10. "22-year relationship. 1) Have your own life, your own friends. 2) Intimacy is as important as spending quality time together. Spending time apart is important, too. 3) Communication. You're a team, and communication is so much better for the soul than fighting and arguing. 4) The person you marry is not going to be the same in five years, 10 years, or 20 years. They grow and change as you do. I never found marriage to be difficult or scary, and I think it's because we have that foundation of those above things."
11. "Having similar interests really helps. If you're going to see someone day in and out, you need things to do and talk about once the initial getting-to-know-you phase is over. We have our disagreements, but being able to nerd out together over Star Trek and other sci-fi builds a lot of closeness and camaraderie. ❤️"
12. "The little moments of gratitude and appreciation for each other should never be forgotten. Don't take for granted the little acts of kindness your person does for you."
—Anonymous
13. "It doesn't have to be perfect; you just have to keep choosing each other. There will be times when you genuinely don't like your partner, and that's OK. It doesn't mean you're wrong for each other. Grand romantic gestures are all well and good, but regular small acts of thoughtfulness are where the real romance is. If your partner is having a hard time with something, you don't have to fix it or even understand or 'agree' with it; you just need to be there for them. Together 16 years and counting, married 10."
14. "Learn your partner's communication style and be flexible to continue learning it as they (and you) grow. 13 years strong. 💪"
15. "At a time when both of us were hating our jobs, we spent our evenings moaning at each other. Over time, it brought us down. Since then, the first question we ask each other at the end of the day is 'what was your favorite bit about today?' It helps us reflect on all the good stuff that happened and then pick our favorites. Dinners together are way more enjoyable again now."
16. "Be able to accept when you or your partner changes in a way that no longer makes you compatible. Decide whether it's a dealbreaker or a non-negotiable, and determine whether it's permanent or a stage. So many people refuse to admit when they or their partner changes, and will stay in unhappy situations for far too long because of the sunk cost fallacy. Honesty about who your partner is (and who YOU are) is important. It doesn't matter if you've been together for 10, 20, or 30 years. If you change and become incompatible, that's OK. Don't choose to be incompatible and miserable, too."
—Anonymous
17. "41 years married. Every evening we turn off the TV, turn off phones, and put on some music. We sit down, have a cocktail or a soda, and just talk. It might be serious, it might be nonsense, but for one hour, it's just us."
18. "Whatever problems you are facing, you face them together, as a team. Sometimes one of you will be sick, grieving, or unemployed. Facing challenges together is a true partnership, give and take. Learn to use your words. Learn to say what you need, what you feel, and don't expect your partner to be a mindreader."
—Anonymous, 40, UK
19. And finally, "Be silly. Your partner should be the one you let loose with, not one you keep trying to impress years into the relationship. Life is better with giggles."
Are you in a long-term relationship? Share advice every couple should know in the comments, or submit anonymously using the form below. Your response might be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed Community post!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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